KWENU! Our culture, our future

THE IMPARTIAL OBSERVER

SNFD Syndrome: Why Okoro must go home to marry

HANK ESO

hankeso@aol.com

Friday, 30 April, 2004

Marriage is tough; marriage is fun, the latter you know when

your wife is gone for just two weeks and you have to sleep

alone at night and manage the kids.

-Bolaji Aluko, alukome@aol.com

Two situations I encountered some years ago and considered then with consternation have in retrospect and with the fullness of time manifested themselves as epiphanies. The first was when some summers ago, I received several frantic messages on my voicemail at work from a Nigerian, an Igbo lady who said she desperately wanted to talk to me. She sounded quite anxious. When we spoke eventually, she said she desperately needed help and had a problem she believed I could help her solve. What about? My daughter, she had replied.

To cut a long story short. The Igbo lady who I will herein refer to as Mrs. Okoro, said she had a “fine young and brilliant daughter” -- a Princeton graduate, who was a well paid Marketing Executive for a major courier service. So what was wrong with her? Candidly, she said needed me to help her find another job in my company, where she would most likely meet other Nigerians and probably, a future Nigerian husband. The request was simple enough, but not the motive. The woman then came clean. She and her husband had toiled to give the girl a good education. She loved her daughter very much, but it would kill her, if she showed up one day with a man she intended to marry, and he was not a Nigerian, and more importantly, Igbo.

And then, the curious twist. I asked her to get the young lady to call or send me her resume. By the way, what was her daughter’s name? “Judy Joseph.” I was stunned. How could an Okoro girl end up with such an Anglicized name and her mother was looking for her to marry an Okafor or Okonkwo? I had pointedly asked about her daughter’s name. She revealed that her name was also one source of her concern. Her daughter, she said, “had become too Americanized, too confused” and had given up the family name in preference for her father’s first name. It now all made sense. So, instead of a Judy Okoro, it was a Judy Joseph that eventually called me.

The other situation happened at a Christmas party my wife and I had some few years back. We had invited some of our friends and peers and a mix of some young Nigerians-- some newly out of college, several still in college and a few working bachelors and spinsters. Most of them did not know each other, but our party soon turned out to be the veritable God sent fulcrum for the discussion of single Nigerians and their dating problems. They exchanged addresses, talked of possible forums for future meetings, several struck up friendships, which are still ongoing and some would contact us later to ask to be invited to our future parties. In discussion with my wife, several of our young guests had complained that their parents, in keeping with culture, expected them to marry a Nigerian, but that it was increasingly difficult to find suitable Nigerian spouses. One of the young ladies, whom I shall simply call "Oby O," even vouched that her mother’s insistence that she had to marry someone from Naija made her a racist.

The kernel of the gist, is that both instances brought to the fore a major and existing problem for the unmarried Nigerian ladies. My darling wife, who has reasons of her own to be attentive to this growing problem, referred to it as the SNFD Syndrome – that is the Single Nigerian Female in the Diaspora Syndrome. For Judy Joseph, Oby O and their likes, who are Nigerian-Americans, dating and finding Nigerian spouses have become a major problem. But this is a problem that many single Nigerian females in Nigeria also have to contend with.

SNFD Syndrome is a topical as well as contentious issue. For many Nigerian parents whether resident in Nigeria or in the Diaspora, the mere thought that their daughter might remain perpetually in spinsterhood presents the worst nightmare scenario. I did not realize how deep-seated such concerns were, until recently, when there was a slew of very interesting exchanges on the NaijaPolitics@YahooGroups Forum. The thread of the animated dialogue made for interesting reading. The thrust of the argument was that most SNFDs were at risk of never being married. Some authors argued that the fate that has befallen most SNFDs had to do with their being too materialistic. Some argued that such accusations of materialism was more applicable to Nigerian females in the USA, and explained it as being key to why Nigerian men often go back to Nigeria in search of brides, whilst leaving the SNFDs on the state side high and dry.

Differing Diagnoses and Perspectives

Ndiigbo have a wise saying about marriage, which goes thus: bia nulu nwa m na ife yi. Literally translated, it means “an invitation to come and marry my daughter, always comes with strings attaches”. Marriage in the Nigerian context is about customs, about traditions, values and about families, more than it is about the two individuals directly involved. But the question of strings attached aside, there are varying diagnoses and perspectives on the SNFD Syndrome, why some Nigerian men go back home to marry and marriage as a whole. One commentator, Mutala Bala Habu notes that “Nigerian single women in Diaspora have one common goal, to find the right Nigerian or African men in anticipation for ‘relationships’ that leads to permanent relationships.” Another commentator, remarked that,

Some of this single ladies, especially those who came with visa lottery, rich parents, higher qualifications are very hard to deal with. The ones without papers only want Nigerian men to do their paper and then they will make up excuse to divorce. They are not interested in marriage, they just want someone to use and do their papers.

-- agwu11@yahoo.com

Dr. Tonye David-West, Jr., in his most insightful and balanced article on the issue, dated April 22 2004 asked unapologetically, “How about the single Naija ladies in the US: Who will marry them?” The bottom line is that, as topical as this issue is, especially as it pertains to family, procreation, and our culture, we have a problem - a big, big, one for that matter.

But before I bare my heart on this matter let me post a caveat. This is an issue that has caused me some anguish. Although I am a happily married Naija man, with no singular or personal interest in any SNFD, I can hardly escape dealing with their plight and fate. You see I know several SNFDs. And really, I have several nieces, cousins, sister, sisters-in-law, friends and acquaintances that belong to that group. Since none of them is a nun or lesbian, I do not suspect that they have fallen into that category by choice. I worry about my SNFD relatives because they constitute a visible source of pain for my mother, parents-in-law, uncles and aunts. I worry that in time, if nothing is done to address their fate, I too, might become a direct victim. I say so, since I have two still very young daughters, who (even though I pray God to forbid) may very well, become a SNFD.

Just in case the reader is wondering what constitutes an SNFD; she is what they call a ”Senior Girl” in the local parlance in Nigeria. This, in plain language, translates to a single unmarried Nigerian female, probably; a college graduate (most of them are) between the ages of twenty-five and fifty. They are those who fuss about their biological clocks, but are choosy about the men they date. The common belief is that most of them are unmarried because they scare prospective husbands away with their independence. Some suggest that they scare them away with their waywardness, possessiveness, or condescending attitude. Whatever the case, it is deemed an anomaly for a fine Nigerian girl from a fine family to remain unmarried past the age of thirty. When that happens, it throws up some intrusive questions. And in the Igbo setting, some suspicions too. Like Osita Osadebe intrusively asked in one song, “I ga-abuzi nna ja-anu?” – Will you be your father’s spouse?

I join the fray of this debate since I find the issue intriguing and cross-cutting being that it involves Nigerians here and at home, as well as the juxtaposition of our Nigerian heritage and culture with those of our adopted home, the American culture, if there is really any culture by that appellation. Just recently, I read an interesting piece, in which the lead caption boldly proclaimed, “finding one true soul mate can be tough in a world of fleeting hookups” For me, the key sentence in this article by Emily Nussbaum, titled “Are We A Match?”, simple avowed, “the question of what makes people compatible is a mystery”. Such mysteries have been largely demystified for the now youths, as compared to the era of my parents, when there was no dating and no conjugal relations before being betrothed.

Since this whole issue is quite tricky and perhaps even dangerous, if taken purely from a male perspective, I resorted to my most reliable sounding board -- my darling wife -- to decipher it all for me from a Nigerian and Igbo woman’s perspective. She and I had read David-West’s piece together, as we do most interesting articles we find on any Nigerian issue, so she was already aware of his angle. She nevertheless stunned me with her analysis. She stated that the penchant of some Naija men, to go back to Nigeria in search of what Tonye David-West Jr. had dubbed their “Virgin Mary”, was really “an Igbo thing” and “an Igbo problem”. Her hypothesis went thus: The Yoruba man in America would readily marry any Yoruba SNFD. For the Hausa, there are very few Hausa-Fulani SNFDs or nyarinya on the state side; and their religion does not frown on a SNFD becoming a second, third or the fourth wife, where being the first and only wife was untenable. So, those Naija returnees who head home to grab a wife, she underscored, are mostly Igbo or other South-South and South-East minorities. [Everything in Naija now has a political undertone.]

Her assessment reminded me of a conversation I had in 1983,with elder statesman Danmasani Maita Sule, during which he explained the difference between African marriages and the Western-style marriages, which he deemed hollow. The polygamous African, he said, married many wives concurrently, giving each woman her due honor and dignity, whilst the monogamous American or European also married many wives, but did so consecutively through serial marriages and divorces. In the end, everyone did basically the same thing. The only difference was in style and preference.

Since the wife and I were now in the debate and exchange mode, I persisted. When I asked why anyone would journey back home at great expense, the attending risks and unpredictable immigration hassles to go and look for a wife, even though there were many single Nigerian women in the US, she had a ready answer. Choice, culture and tradition, she retorted. She might as well have added “Stupid!” for emphasis. She expatiated. For a Naija man seeking a Nigerian bride either in the USA or back home it was really a Catch-22 situation. Going back home, one risked the “Christina Complex” – a reference to Prince Nico Mbarga’s song about an SNFD, who was trained by his suitor but soon after, took off with another man. Likewise, the SNFDs in America were vested with Fela’s “Shakara” or “Lady” Complex. Nigerian men also had their own drawbacks. One problem was their not taking time to understand that “When a Man Loves A Women,” also went hand-in-hand with another Percy Sledge song that warns men about their future brides; to “take time to know her, since (marriage) it’s not an overnight thing”. Her exact point; “there was more of a cultural angle to the phenomenon of those who like heat seeking missiles went home to hone in on a homegrown bride”. Given the gross generalization, she was evidently sympathetic with David-West taking of “issue with the notion held by some single Nigerian men [in the US] that most of the single Nigerian ladies [also in the US] are either corrupt in the moral sense, too materialistic or have simply lost their cultural values. As they pertain to marriage”. Some SNFD, she surmised, lived a sheltered and counter-productive snobbish life as the only way to protect their integrity.

Having shared the views I gleaned from her let me now offer mine. The bias against USA-based SNFDs is understandable in the context, that while the African concept of marriage may strive for partnership, such partnership did not translate to equality. Gender mainstreaming at the work place, did note recuse one from wifely and motherly duties of a housewife, one’s professional position notwithstanding. SFNDs in America, unfortunately, tended to expect in a marriage, partnership, parity and equality, if not total control. For most Nigerian men, this was a scary uncustomary stuff to behold. For the insecure or culturally attuned, it was their worst nightmare.

While America may be the great leveler, such leveling of the playing field did not always extend to the Nigerian culture, which in many ways, is class conscious. In the Nigerian context –and this is applicable to Hausa, Yoruba, Igbo, Efik, Edo, Tarok, Idoma, Ijaws, etc.—one did not marry below their standing in the society or community. A woman or man from a good home will not marry the so-called “money miss road” just for the sake of being married, nor for the sake of love alone. Likewise, most SNFDs would rather remain single than under marry or marry a bum. And really, there are quite a number of bums within our ranks here in the USA.

Some of our men rush off to Naija to marry, because when they get there, they readily flash and spray their bountiful devalued-and-dollar-enhanced-naira, only to return back to the US to drive cabs and do lowly janitorial and security jobs that hardly put food on the table, talk less of paying the mortgage. This is an image that does not always fit the front presented to the prospective bride. It is also a trap the SNFDs in the US were unlikely to fall into. USA-based SNFDs would always know or ask about a guy who shows interest in them or who tickled their fancy. And if all else fails, they could goggle you from here to kingdom come until they come up with a definitive provenance of your bona fides.

Why Okoro Must Go Home to Marry

When I remarked that everything in looking for a suitable spouse could not be about pedigrees and antecedents, my wife agreed, but noted that on some issues Ndiigbo do not chance or tempt fate. She reminded me that this was the reason why the marriage process for the Ndiigbo starts with Iju ase or inquiry or better still, as the say in law, the discovery process or screening. Then there is the informal or surreptitious visit known as Inyo uno. This was followed by another formal visit, the Iku aka or knocking on the door. All these are aimed at checking out the bride-to-be and her family to ensure that there were not kinks, no “ifs” or “but” and no surprises. Its only when these are done, will the Igba nkwu nwaanyi – the formal wine carrying process go on. Why this arduous process?

As emancipated as Ndiigbo are, sociocultural issues such as Osu, Oru, Agwu, and Oshi na Ama, Igwo nsi Ogbanje, and Amaosu, still resonate high in consideration of whom to marry or not to marry. Anyone who is an Osu -- tainted with a lineage that was once scarified to the Gods or Alusi; or Oru -- someone from a lineage of slaves or those not considered freeborn, were always no-go areas. Those, whose family exhibited Agwu -- streaks of mental malady or schizophrenia, were generally not considered marriage materials. Ditto for anyone from a family with a history of Ori na Ama -- thievery and snitching. Similarly, any girl from a family known to engage in igwo nsi, - diabolic fetishes; or amaosu -- witchery, risked not having any suitors except for strangers or foreigners from faraway lands. The same principles would apply to anyone known to have shown signs of being an ogbanje or abiku – a changeling. These characterizations in Igboland carried serious social stigmas. Therefore, to marry a girl not imbued with such a stigma, you had to first verify the standing. The same rule was applicable also to the male suitor.

The seriousness of these verification processes, lie in the fact that they are never entrusted to young people, but must be carried out by Ndi ikenye - elders, Ndi na-anu asusu – those who understood metaphorical language. Those who chose not to comply with this process risked facing some shameful and exogenous shock down the line. This was primary, among other reasons, why an Igboman, must go home to marry. The only way to avert such pitfalls was to go back to one’s homestead, where his future bride’s family was already well-known or could be scoped. Tonye David-West, Jr. in his piece told the story of a friend, whose family opposed his marrying his American-based girlfriend, “primarily because she was from another state. His mother advised him that he must marry a girl from his area who they can vouch for in terms of her family history, background, education and sexual history.” This reality is rooted in culture.

It is a well known fact, that some Igbo ladies who marry outside the tribe and go on to become second, third or fourth wives to rich non-Igbo men, carry with them some of these social and cultural burdens – though through no fault of theirs. For Ndiigbo, these are issues and questions of great import, issues, which were beyond compromise, which no amount of education, Christianity, or Westernization could eclipse or override.

As to the issue of SNFDS being “disingenuous, creepy, conniving, and mischievous” these traits that can be found in Nigerian females at home as well as those in the USA. Likewise, it can be found in our men too. A Nigerian man who has no job, does no plan on getting one and keeping it down, but goes home to use his maxed out credit cards to lavishly acquire a new nurse or doctor bride to bring back to America to service his physical, financial and other needs, is a conniving fraud. So too, is the man who is married to an American, and is separated, but not divorced from her, yet, goes home to do the native law and customary marriage without revealing his status to his prospective bride, is equally a disingenuous con artist. Any SNFD treated in this vein, can rightly scream bloody murder. Some, have on this basis claimed that all Nigerian men want are “yes women who will cloth and bath them, cook an d clean for them and still be available to offer a plethora of sexual pleasure, whenever”. While such a sweeping generalization cannot be applicable to all Nigerian men, similar broad-brush categorization of SNFDs, remain exactly what they are – stereotypical commentaries tainted by counter-culture groupthink and laziness to analyze each case, person or episode on its own merit.

All said the truth is that most Nigerians in the Diaspora are still caught in the transitional and culture clash labyrinth. Many - though they hold all the pertinent naturalization of citizenship papers and enjoy the perquisites- still do not know if they wish to become American or hold on to the values of being Nigerian. Secondly, many Nigerians here never take their children home, but hold on erroneously to the fleeting hope that the same children, who are acculturated as American in every which way, would maintain some degree of affinity to the motherland, its norms and values. This is nothing but an attempt to eat ones cake and still have it. Many Nigerians are willing once in America, to dispense with their native culture, without fully weighing the full implication of their action.

Culture has been defined as “the cry of men in face of their destiny”. Nigerians are caught in that warp and our actions are to some degree our cry of anguish and frustrations. It is also a product of the contending forces in America’s melting pot. Nigerian-Americans are yet to become entrenched as the Jews, Polish, Italians, Hispanics or even Haitians. They should be aware, therefore, that as Samuel Huntington recently surmised of Hispanics, “There is no Americano: dream. There is only the American dream created by a, Anglo-Protestant society”. Nigerians will do well to always have this in mind when dealing with each other. In the context of the present discourse, who you marry -- Naija or not Naija -- makes no difference so long as one understands that marriage is a partnership of give-and-take. Perhaps our men should take to mind Tonye David-West’s views, “that those men who state categorically that most of the single Naija women in the US have lost their cultural sprite because of the corruption of the American society should have a rethink”.

I started this attempt to decipher the SNFD, by telling the story about Judy Joseph and Oby O. I left for the last, the fact that I told Mrs. Okoro that she was doing a sad job of bolting the barn after the horses had bolted. Here was a woman who regularly went to Nigerian social events but never dragged her daughter along in hope of linking her to some young Nigeria men. She had also allowed her to change her traditional Nigerian name. Some would ask what is in a name. I say, a whole lot, since it defines whom you really are. On this issue, I strongly side with Dele Olawole, (oracle@africaservice.com) who said:

Talking about tradition, it is a shame... and not a shame when Olawole changed his name to Olav, Isioma to Issy, Akindana to Akins, Bolaji to Bon and etc what else can one say. The so called tradition to most African is a fake identity. When Christianity and Islam has taken away the pride of a people, how do you want such people to behave? Irrationally of course.

Of Oby and the other young Nigerians at my Xmas party, one positive fall out was that those of them who kept in touch and kept the thread of the dialogue on Nigerian dating and marriage issues alive amongst themselves, have now sold the idea of creating a database and website where young Nigerians SNFDs and their male counterparts could exchange tidbits, socialize and for some, hopefully end up in long term relationships and even marriage. Everything considered, the future belongs to them. GO FOR IT KIDS!

In closing, I will leave it to the readers to draw their own conclusion as to what is the weightier factor that compel Nigerian men to go home to marry. This is certainly not an issue that is peculiar to Nigerians. For the Indians, in keeping with their culture, it is the woman that goes home to look for a spouse. In the Nigerian case, the evidence as presented shows that beyond the SNFD Syndrome, there are many other compelling reasons why our men go home to marry. Some of the issue may be taboo for some. That being the case, only time will change the present trend – and perhaps our total insinuation into the American ways of life and a total loss of our culture and affinity to mother Nigeria and Africa. I do not see the latter happening anytime soon, if the quality of life in Nigeria continues to improve.

On a personal note, Happy Birthday to the lady of my soul – Child Who the Lord Provides For.

Until next week, keep the law, stay impartial, and observe closely.

------

Hank Eso, is a columnist for Kwenu.com (New Jersey). Since 1982 his political commentaries on Nigerian politics and global issues have appeared in The New Times (Lagos), African Profile International (New York), and The Nigerian And Africa Abroad. (New York).

Email: hankeso@aol.com