April fools….
M. O. Ené
Thursday, April 4, 2002
Why do you call them "fools"?
*I do not call people "fools."
You did.
*I did not.
I heard you clearly!
*You did not, and you are screaming.
Liar!
*You are still screaming.
What?!
*You need an audio-enhancing gizmo.
You say what?
*I rest my case.
Please forget big grammar; talk sense to me.
*Sense? To you!
Ha ha ha, Mr. Sense! How come you couldn't explain the Abachaization of Nigeria's Orwellian politics? This is very dangerous, you know?
*I gave you my opinion; yet, as I can decipher from the infusion of Kano Khalifa, it seems you want to play Oliver Twist.
Yes, I want some more.
*You asked a simple question; I offered a simple answer.
Just like that?
*I am afraid so. What more do you want, blood?
You called them "fools"; is that it?
*I did not call 'them fools.'
I heard you loud and clear!
*I don't shout. For the last time, I did not call them fools.'
What then do you mean by "April fool"?
*Do you want me to explain the origin of "April fool"?
Well, yes, of course: you originated it, didn't you?
*No, I did not. Actually, it 'originated' in France.
Teacher me!
*Since you put it so nicely, let's see: The way I heard it, it started around 1564, when King Charles IX decreed that France would adopt the Gregorian calendar already in use elsewhere in Christianized Europe. Before the boy king… he was thirteen or so… came to power, France had celebrated New Year on April 1. Since Gregory had woken up to the mismatched months and moved New Year to January 1, many Christian countries complied with the papal proposal.
Why would Gringory do that?
*Who? Do what?
Gringory! Change dates just like that?
*This is not Zebrudaya's Gringory. Please be serious. Pope Gregory XIII in 1582 AD introduced a new Christian calendar, now called….
Gregorian Calendar?
*You guessed right. New Year began on January 1. It moved back Christmas from January 6, which the Orthodox Catholics still keep, to December 25. Christmas, on its own, was hoisted on the traditions of Saturnalia festival, a popular pre-Christian feast. So, just like that, Il Papa Gregory chopped off ten days from the calendar. October 4, 1582 was followed by October 15, 1582, so no one was born on the dates in-between. But, back to pre-Gregorian France, the New Year's party started on March 25 and lasted all eight days. Boy, those French folk partied like life started and ended in Paris.
Obviously, not every subject changed to January 1?
*Brilliant! And you said you were culturally challenged.
I did not say I was intellectually challenged.
*So it was that those who refused to play by the new date, or simply forgot to forget March 25-April 1 reveling, received foolish gifts and or invitations to raise-the-roof parties that weren't taking place. Such pranks were called "poisson d'avril" or "April fish." I guess they were tempted with the prospect of boozing like fish. The practice of playing pranks on April 1 spread from France to England and on to the rest of the world.
Could a king… any king do that?
*Of course, Charles was the king. He had so much power, not like the colonial clown chiefs we have in Nigeria. He could make and unmake.
And the people let him?
*Well, it was no big deal. This was long before the adoption of the Declaration of the Rights of Man and of Citizen and the acceptance of a constitution. Of course, you know what the French did to King Louis XVI and his wife Marie Antoinette; they guillotined the duo in 1793. Thereafter, the French adopted a de-Christianized calendar… well, until 1806. So, to answer your question directly, there was a significant minority that refused to comply during the 16th century reign of Charles IX, a minority that was the butt of those fish pranks.
A hopeless minority, of course.
*Eventually. They could have been noisier earlier.
Okay, so the majority called the minority "fools." Now, since the Equinox moved back to this period, following the Gregorian manipulation, we would have many fools around this time; and, if it is full moon, lunatics join the fools. Eventually, no one would know who has been fooling around and who's lost more nuts than are in a motor mechanic's workshop.
*Interesting theory. Strange things do happen around March 15-April 15.
Hmm, the Ides of March… It now makes sense: Recall Abacha's March million-man march in 1998. Four years later, the circle of madness is complete: same characters -- Jerry Gana, Tony Anenih, Tom Ikimi, etc. The victims are the same: you and me.
*I am losing you. You know I hate politics. I am really not interested.
Just hear me out. Mr. Fix-it Tony Anenih kicked off the March million-man march with about 300 South-southerners on Palm Sunday, March 24. The certified cat-bellman Solomon Lar came with his North-central millions for Passover, Thursday, March 28. And we are not counting the cheerleading ladies. Then the march moved southwest to Ota in Oduduwaland for Easter. April Fools Day, 2002: Enter Olabode George marching with a handful of the faithful, especially Yoruba Council of Elders members. Next day, Tuesday, April 2, the governors and ministers colored it national with Solomon Lar belling the cat again.
*Stop, stop: What is a "cat-bellman"? 'Teacher' me for a change, please.
Now you are talking. Remember G-18… the one that came before G-34… the group that metamorphosed into the ruling party PDP?
*Sure. G-18 actually started as G-7, an offshoot of seven radicals in Turaki Group.
Well, it was Solomon Lar that presented the letter to General Sani Abacha asking him to wake up and stop dreaming.
*Only the man was not dreaming; he was drinking orange juice.
Invigorated OJ, if you must. Now, recall that Dr. Alex Ekwueme left PDP in Lar's hands while he went for the presidential primary. Guess who sneaked out and 'ambushed' General Olusegun Obasanjo with a party card he could not refuse?
*Chief Solomon Lar.
Guess who delivered Jos?
*Lar
Guess who delivered the Easter letter dripping red ink, or is blood?
*Solomon Lar
And this charade was organized for a man fasting for divine direction, even if it was to hurry his decision -- as they spin machines now say. These people are playing God. I see now why you called them "April fools."
*I will not dignify your stupendous stupidity with another denial.
But it makes perfect sense. Is it full moon by any chance?
*I don't know; I was not out last night. I doubt the European astrology is scientific. The Igbo calendar is more on the mark. The four-day, seven-week month has 28 days. Thirteen months or 364 days yield a year. That takes away the fool's day.
That's a joke, is it?
*No. If you wonder what happens with the excess day, I will tell you: Once in four years, the Igbo astrologers cast it away. They simply 'sack' it. The Christian calendar uses February to tug the setup. And that's why March is the month of madness and mockery.
You are tripping.
*My bad. As I was saying, even with the 10 days Gregory chopped off and the tweaking with quadrennial leap year, the calendar still has its flaws.
[LOST IN THOUGHT] April Fools… They are surely fools in April.
*I said "flaws"; if you say 'fools', you will have to defend it.
Sure! How could elected officials… these damned dummy democrats go pleading with a man to reign over them? Have they no shame? Why don't they contest?
*Politicians have no shame.
I thought you don't talk politics?
Politics, no; politicians, yes.
How dare they offer the crown to Caesar? What if he accepts? He becomes a king just like that? This does not only discredit democracy it is bloody bizarre!
*It is not bizarre. Julius Caesar was offered the crown many times before he accepted.
This President is no Caesar. This is a democracy, damn it!
*Delusion of democracy, more like. Yet, I see no difference: Caesar went to war. Caesar won the war. Caesar ruled the army. Rome had a senate, and there were governors… including Pontius Pilate, the patron of corrupt judges. Caesar was offered the crown. Caesar accepted the crown. Caesar became the king.
You mean that our Caesar is already wearing the crown?
*Since Saturday, May 29, 1999.
These people are fools. What makes our people so easy to fool?
*April fools people….
April fools people?
*Exactly what I told you from the beginning: April fools…. As you have figured out, the end of March and the beginning of April is the period nature reminds us to remember what we are the other 11 months… 12, if you go by the Igbo calendar.
Fools?
*Sort of.
Oh I see!
*No, OIC is the Organization of Islamic Conference.
I mean that I now see what you meant: April fools them, and they misbehave.
*Oh yes, April fools.
MOE, 2002
